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Fic: Keep Me From Harm

tardis, flapper, 10
Title: Keep Me From Harm
Author: doctorxdonna
Rating: G
Characters: 10th Doctor, Donna Noble
Summary: In the media room, the Doctor and Donna talk.
A/N: Title from the Peter Murphy song by the same name.

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Fic: I Kind of Crashed My Dad's Spaceship

tardis, flapper, 10
Title: I Kind of Crashed My Dad's Spaceship
Author: doctorxdonna
Rating: G
Characters: 10th Doctor, Donna Noble, original characters
Summary: The Doctor's daughter recalls how they came to leave Earth.

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Fic: Your Own Personal Jesus

tardis, flapper, 10
Title: Your Own Personal Jesus
Author: doctorxdonna
Rating: PG
Characters: 10th Doctor, Donna Noble, Jack Harkness
Summary: After a night on the town, the Doctor and Donna stop in a karaoke bar and encounter one of the Doctor's old friends.

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Feeling Frustrated

sad donna
I feel like I'm reaching the end of my rope. I don't know if it's the medication, or if some how my brain's chemistry changed on its own, but I just can't enjoy things like I used to.

I'm not sleeping more than four hours a night, even taking Ambien. For whatever reason, my body is waking up after I've only been asleep a few hours, and this has been going on for over a month.

I can't get stoned any more, which was how I liked to destress since I'm not supposed to drink alcohol on the meds. I smoke with my husband, but nothing happens to me when I do, which is just about the lamest thing ever.

I feel like every creative thought has been sucked out of my head, and it kills me because I used to write like a champ and I've barely written anything in months.

I can't find a job to save my life, so I just spend my days watching Netflix and sometimes I feel like I'm losing my mind after spending all day staring at the computer screen.

And finally, I haven't had an orgasm in months, either and I figure that HAS TO BE the medication. But it fucking sucks, none the less, to be intimate with my husband and not be able to come when it never was a problem before.

With all this combined, I can't help but feel that I'm almost worse off now than I was before seeking treatment for my depression, and that makes me angry. What was the point, if I was only going to end up feeling like this? I'll tell you what's depressing-not being able to come. Or write. Or get stoned. Or sleep. Or being able to get a job.

I just changed meds again and I'm hoping and praying it will resolve some of these issues I've been having, because it has not been a happy summer for me. New Doctor Who is pretty much the only thing I have to look forward to. I'm terrified though that I'll be stuck like this, that my brain has changed and nothing I do will change how things have been lately. What happens if the med change doesn't do anything?

I honestly don't know anymore *sigh*.

Home Sweet Home...Sorta Kinda

tardis, flapper, 10
Hubby and I are home. Home home, in Atlantic City, at his parents' house. It doesn't get any easier, in fact each subsequent visit has become increasing difficult as I wish harder and harder for something that I can't have. We've been seeing our friends, visiting our old haunts, eating at our favorite restaurants, and I can't help but find myself wishing we lived here again, even though I know how impossible and impractical it would be right now.

Unemployment in this area is a whopping 15%. 15 fucking percent unemployment. Even if we wanted to move back here...there are no jobs. The cost of living is higher, and because of Sandy damage, it's a lot harder to find affordable apartments to rent. The area is imploding in on itself, as people become increasingly desperate to find any sort of work at all. It's a bad scene for sure.

But it's still home, in spite of the flaws and imperfections. And I miss it so much, it hurts like a knife in the gut. Not that I hate where we live right now, because I don't, but there is nowhere I've ever felt at home besides well...home. And that's Atlantic City for me, and it always will be. It was only home for a short time, but it's the only place I ever felt like I belonged, and I've been chasing that feeling ever since we left it. I just want my friends back, I want the beach back, I want my favorite dive bar back, and the best Vietnamese restaurant in New Jersey. Nothing else quite compares. I don't care what mud people might sling at it, it'll always be home to me.

We leave to go back to PA tomorrow, and I'm so not ready for it, the stupid drive amongst other things. It just aches. Sometimes, I wonder if it'll ever stop aching like this. Sometimes, I wonder if me being as sick as I am is really just the worst case of homesickness ever. And if that's the case, maybe I never will get better, not as long as I'm so close yet so far from home.

I just don't know.

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Fic: This Isn't Wonderland, Chapter Three

tardis, flapper, 10
Title: This Isn't Wonderland
Author: doctorxdonna
Rating: M for later chapters, teen for now?
Characters: Donna Noble and 10th Doctor
Summary: Donna picks up and moves to America searching for what's missing in her life. Will she find it before it finds her?
A/N: Beta'd by lostandalone22. Special thanks to nitestar73 for picking out the line that inspired the title. :)

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...

tardis, flapper, 10
Well, I'm home.

I came home to find out that one of my friends was killed in a car accident. We all suspect drinking was involved on his part, but we don't know for sure. I'm just numb. I can't believe I'll never see him again. I can't even go the funeral, either, because it's across the country from where we moved.

My car has a flat tire from a nail which may or may not have been placed there intentionally, since the neighbors here are passive-aggressive like that about parking and my car was in front of their house for the whole week I was in Georgia, and I have a psychiatric appointment at 11am tomorrow that I'm not sure how I'm getting to now because the bus and taxis here are super unreliable.

My hospital bill finally came, and it's only $20,000. So that will get paid off...never. I'm not sure if the liability insurance will retroactively cover it or not and my brain is too fried to really think about it right now.

I also have $100 in my bank account to last until pay day at the end of the week so there's that, too. Because I'll have to pay to fix the brand new fucking tire that I just bought before we moved across the country at the beginning of September and the fix will probably be almost as much as what I paid for the tire in Louisiana, but you can't buy those tires for $30 here. The same tire costs $60 at Firestone here, which I don't get at all. How can the same tire cost literally twice as much at the same national chain? I know the cost of living is way higher here, but fuck me come on!

I'm not a crying sobbing mess, though. I just feel nothing instead. I'm not sure which is worse at this point. I was so excited to see my husband and I just...I don't even care now. He'll be home in twenty minutes and I just don't care. I don't care about any of it. I just want to go to sleep and let this hell week be over with.

Fuck me, fuck this, fuck everything, fuck life.

Hitting My Limit

sad donna
I was born without that mothering gene that makes most women want to comfort crying babies. When I hear a screaming infant, I want to run the other direction. And all week, I've been helping my friend care for an autistic four year old who likes to bite, choke, kick, punch, scream, and otherwise act violently when an unexpected emotion hits him. I have professional training dealing with this, and I'm exhausted. He wants me to play with him, but gets angry when I play 'wrong'. I'm so fucking over it. She's getting paid for this. I'm not. The kid's own mother is at her wit's end with the behavior issues and CPS won't help her. All I wanted to do this week was hang out with my friend and relax, but this kid has turned it into such a goddamned nightmare that now I just want to go home.

*sigh* I feel bad because it's not like he can help being autistic but I did not sign up for this and it's stressing me the fuck out.

I want my hubby. :(

Fic: So Why Don't You Tell Her

sad donna
Title: So Why Don't You Tell Her
Author: doctorxdonna
Characters: 9th Doctor, Rose Tyler

"What about you, Doctor? What the hell are
you turning into?" Rose asked, giving him that questioning look that he could hardly stand to stomach. She was shielding the bastard Dalek with her young, innocent and forgiving body. She didn't know, had no way of possibly understanding.

So why don't you tell her? A quiet voice, familiar in the deepest, darkest recesses of his mind whispered. He refused to acknowledge it. Rose would never know the atrocities of the Time War, not in any real sense. Even if it meant she thought he was a monster for killing this one Dalek, here and now. So what if she thought him repugnant for doing it?

It might be the closest Rose Tyler would ever come to knowing the truth of him, and at least she would be safe. Even now, his hands shook as 'no more' echoed over and over again in his mind.

Would it never end? How far would he have to run to escape his worst nightmare? Or was that his fate and punishment, that no matter how far and where he ran there would always be one more.

One more...

One more...

One more....

Why Sweet Flying Spaghetti Monster?

tardis, flapper, 10
They've been jackhammering outside of my in-law's since 7am this morning. As you can imagine, this is not conducive to taking naps or taking notes on my writing. :-P

I did just eat a delicious mango and granola yogurt parfait though, so there's that. But it's entirely too cold out, and I feel unspeakably melancholy today. Being home without my husband is weird and sad and lonely, and I don't like it, not one bit. I've felt on the verge of tears all day. I thought I was over seeing all the damage from Hurricane Sandy, but I guess not.

How can I want to go home when I'm already there?

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